I Was Ready To Try & Destroy You
Imagine someone saying that the you? Pretty powerful words, no? So full of anger and insecurity. If someone wants to destroy you, they must feel threatened by you somehow. Why else put in all that effort?! Of course, the above headline was soon thereafter mitigated with “I changed my mind” and “calmed down” and “oh, don’t forget how awesome you are.”
Every one wants to be liked, it’s in our nature. Every time I’ve heard through a friend of a friend that someone didn’t like me, I’ve been pretty crushed. Ok, crushed is a strong word, but I can still remember the two instance where someone told me they didn’t like me. And I’m not speaking of dating here or relationships, just that these folks didn’t like me as a person quirks and all.
Fair enough, there are plenty of people I don’t like, but when I don’t like someone they simply fall off my radar. I don’t go out of my way to be disrespectful, but I certainly don’t pretend like their presence warms the cockles of my heart.
You would think that having someone say they want to destroy you (even if the impulse was momentary) would be really upsetting, but oddly enough it actually makes me feel kind of strong. It makes me want to say “go ahead, give it your best shot”… followed by a grin and snicker, but that feels a little too much like a dare, and I certainly don’t want anyone to try to destroy me. It does remind me though, that I’m not that easily brought down.
A few years ago, I was talking to an old friend of mine who I hadn’t seen in a long time. I had recently gone through a pretty hard breakup and I was telling him how I needed to do something to stop feeling the way I did. He misunderstood and ask me “what, like get back at him?” The thought hadn’t even crossed my mind and I was surprised that that’s what he thought I was trying to say when all I meant was that I needed to do something, anything to shake up my routine of perpetual sadness. I was thinking more along the lines of taking up a new hobby. I couldn’t believe someone who I once knew very well thought I wanted to take revenge on someone.
It blew my mind, but then I remembered that twice in my life I have plotted for revenge, and this particular friend had been there to witness the impulse to get back at someone, and true enough, both people I wanted to crush were men who had broken my heart, broken my spirit, and on one instance choked me a little.
The first plot for revenge I ever concocted (with the help of a couple of friends) involved the guy who had choked me. Let me preface this story by adding that we were all in high school… The friend I mentioned above was throwing a party at his remote cabin in the woods, a perfect setting for revenge if I’ve ever heard one. The plan was, my friend A. (another woman hurt by this guy) and I would seduce our target with the promise of a threesome. We would then lure him away from the party and bring him to another smaller cabin nearby where we would undress him, tie him up to the bunk beds, and leave him there to rot.
The second part of the plan was to tell his girlfriend (yes, he had a girlfriend) who was bound to eventually worry about his whereabouts that we had seen him go to the second cabin on the property. She would find him naked and tied to a bed in a compromising position that he would not have been able to explain. Mission accomplished, right? Except they never showed up to the party in the first place, which all things considered was probably for the best. Anyhow, I don’t think either of us would have been able to actually go through with it.
My second plot for revenge (also concocted with the help of another spurned woman) was much like complicated. The variables were simple. The guy in question was the biggest jerk I’ve ever had the misfortune of sleeping with (read more about that here). The plan was simple, we would start a rumor. And what best way to destroy a homophobic douche bag than tell people we walked in on him fucking a dude at a party?! Yeah, not one of my most proud moments.
Obviously, I don’t condone revenge, but coming up with the plan was cathartic in-of-itself. Letting go was even better.
The whole thing didn’t go very far. I told exactly one person, and left it at that. I’m such a bad liar (a myth I like to perpetuate, haha, kidding) that I didn’t really have it in me to turn the tables on this guy and be mean for no other reason than wanting to hurt him. I’d much rather do it to his face, like the time he hit on me after this whole ordeal, and I said yes as long as he would down on me. After he happily agreed and I got his juices running, I left him to his own devices saying something like “oh wait, you wouldn’t want to do that since you clearly don’t like the taste of my pussy” (a retort that only makes sense if you’ve read this).
I have to say that was pretty satisfying, much more satisfying than trying to destroy someone. I think I got my point across quite well without involving other people or needing to make anything up.
That being said, standing up for yourself feels amazing. Feeling like you have the strength to stand up for yourself no matter what anyone decides to throw your way is also amazing. It’s nice to be reminded of that even if it’s by someone telling you they wanted to try and destroy you.