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Get Rid of Those Unsightly Vulva Lines

January 30, 2012

I promised Brian, I would drop the serious tone of the last week and get back to talking about cunt already, so here it is.

Forget the faux pas of actually wearing something that shows panty lines; you’re real concern should be hiding that frightful camel toe bulge. Now, with Smooth Groove we can all aspire to have a crotch like Barbie.

Huh, ya, that was sarcasm in case you didn’t catch that. I don’t actually want a crotch like Barbie and I don’t think anyone should aspire too, at least not because of body hatred… If you’ve got some other reason, maybe then I’ll revise my statement.

For the uninitiated, let me tell you that camel toe refers to the bulge… well, as the Urban Dictionary puts it: “Camel Toe: When her pants are so tight you can read her lips!” 

Need a visual?

It's when this...

... reminds some jackass of this.

Now, for some reason the camel toe has become the bane of some women’s existence. I’ve been bothered by it once or twice too, especially when shopping for yoga pants, but the experience didn’t exactly traumatize me. I wouldn’t go as far as sticking a plastic panty liner against my crotch to make my unsightly vulva lines disappear. Then again, visible panty lines never bothered me either.

For me, it’s more of an issue of well-tailored clothes as opposed to a body issue, but I can’t help but feel that the message this product sends out is one of shame.

Here’s the Smooth Groove commercial in all its glory:

It’s funny to me, because as some of you may know, I do some freelance blogging for a couple of adult industry blogs, and let me tell you, there’s nothing the pervs (and I say that nicely) like more than a celebrity photo of some hottie and her camel toe.

A nice camel toe is like cleavage to some people. Not once have I ever heard a real person shame a woman, because of camel toe. I have however heard it on TV and in movies; Weeds being a show that comes to mind, but even then, that particular episode was about a father shopping with his young pre-pubescent daughter and the awkwardness of explaining to her that her pants were maybe a little too tight, but I’ve definitely heard women talk about it in the negative.

I just wonder, is it from some believe that your vulva is misshapen and that if you just had the right body type camel toe wouldn’t be a problem for you or is it a matter of the sexualized nature of having your vulva be visible under all that fabric?

It’s not the first time I’ve written about this issue, there’s a company that sells panties with built-in padding to avoid the dreaded camel toe. I’ll repeat what I said at the time; it’s feels like body censorship. It makes me feel like a doll instead of a person with flesh that isn’t easily contained. But that’s exactly it, right?

It’s all about containment. Put on a pair of underwear, cover those with some spanx, cover those with a pair of nylons, a bra, a shaping tank, your clothes, your shoes, makeup, accessories…Can you breath under there or do you feel like a sausage wearing earrings? I don’t exactly see men donning undergarments that smooth out their masculine parts effectively turning them in eunuchs. So, there’s definitely something to be said about an inherent contradiction when it comes to clothing that in a way desexualizing a woman’s body by hiding her true form: nipples, labia, etc, and at the same time hypersexualizing her by pushing out her breast and lifting up her ass.

It’s confusing, because on one end we have clothes that hypersexualize women and on the other there are products like Smooth Groove that are designed to desexualize women. All this back and forth is a little tiring, can we just love our bodies already?

I don’t want to get all “holier than thou” on anyone, because maybe this product is the key to making that one outfit look just right and it’s the answer to all your prayers, and I don’t want to add to the pressure of  “you have to be one way or your against us,” but I just wonder what price we pay at the end of the day? Not to speak of how freakin’ uncomfortable that thing must be and it’s not like plastic, or “medical grade polymer” to be more precise, breaths a hell of a whole lot. I expect lots of sweat, but that’s what vaginal wipes are for, right?

6 Comments leave one →
  1. Janvanize permalink
    January 30, 2012 7:52 pm

    Good read, impossible what they can come up with to sell to people these days. You know sometimes when you get nice pants and then you put them in the dryer and they become a bit too short; what do you do > you step on one end and pull on the other and stretch them long again before putting them on and sometimes I need to stretch them out in other places too….. just sayin’

    Oh, and don’t get me started on Lululemon yoga pants …..

  2. January 30, 2012 7:55 pm

    Haha, the yoga pants I mentioned were from Lululemon.

    Ya, I frequently try to stretch clothes out. With jeans, you put them on and then you do that squatting move and with t-shirt I flip the front over my elbows and spread them a little, so the t-shirt doesn’t hug my belly when I’m bloated. Man, clothes suck sometimes. Let’s all move somewhere warm and live our lives naked.

  3. January 31, 2012 6:21 am

    Live Naked!

  4. January 31, 2012 7:04 am

    I’ve never had the camel toe problem as far as I can recall, maybe it’s the shape of my vulva or maybe it’s that I don’t wear such tight clothes!!
    However, Olga this post made me smile, it brought back memories of a summer vacation in S W France back in the 1980s BC (before children) when Phil challenged me to try and spend the entire holiday without wearing panties, I just had to take him up on that. It wasn’t as hard as you may think, most days were spent on a local naturist beach and a selection of knee length (or longer) summer dresses were more than adequate to cover me up when we weren’t actually sunbathing! However, the last night proved to be a major problem, we had planned to go to dinner at this lovely seafood restaurant and my outfit for that night consisted of a patterned tunic worn over a pair of white leggings (all the rage back then!). To my consternation, I found that my mousey coloured pubic hair (I was a natural gal back then) showed through the fabric of my leggings. Nothing for it, I had to chicken out and wear a pair of white panties. I may be an exhibitionist, but there are limits you know!

  5. January 31, 2012 6:28 pm

    Haha, good call. Come to think of it, I think I’ve had a similar experience with a white skirt.


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