Blogging Got Me Into Trouble Again, Sort Of
Blogging got me into trouble and this one probably will too.
If you’ve read everything I’ve written this past week, especially Blogging Got Me Into Trouble, this post will make sense to you.
Remember when I said: “I also felt like sending her a message saying, I was sorry if what I wrote upset her and that I wish them both well, etc, etc, but that’s a really bad idea, right, right? It’s none of my business, I should just butt out.”
Well, the ‘her’ (referenced as Miss X later in the post) I was referring to decided it wasn’t a bad idea and sent me a Facebook message.
[Update: I originally transcribed the Facebook messages we sent each other here, but I’ve since decided to remove it, because someone pointed out to me that would be crossing some kind of line, and really that’s not what I wanted to focus on in the first place. Consider this post redacted.]
Receiving her initial message was oddly unpleasant, despite her genial tone, my initial response was emotional and barely made any sense. I started writing a bunch of things that really didn’t need to be said, and certainly not by me, so I calmed down a little bit, erased my original response, and went with something a little more calm and rational.
Mr. X wasn’t exactly happy that I reposted our Facebook chat the other day and asked me not to do so again. And I’ll tell you what I told him, that even though I didn’t do so out of malice I completely understand how he might be weirded out by it and that I would respect his wishes in the future.
I don’t know why he read it in the first place, because in the two and a half years that I’ve had this blog he has never ever read a post of mine (except maybe one at the very beginning). So, I find it strange that he would all of a sudden decide to read it on a day I freakin’ wrote about him, but I guess life is just funny that way.
Miss X, however, said she would never read this blog again, and I hope she keeps her word (which she probably will since she does appear to be a genuinely nice person) so I can continue to express myself without censure.
I find that our emotional reactions to certain things are never white and black; there’s a lot of gray in there. I meant what I said to her, that I didn’t dislike her, but it’s strange to have someone tell you they were “ready to destroy you”, even if it was just a fleeting thought. I wasn’t quite sure how to re-act to that. It would have been easy to focus on the negative and be mean. No really, for a split second, I had an impulse to be mean, but that’s just not in my nature.
It’s hard to admit that, that I wanted to be mean. For no particular reason, I wasn’t jealous, I wasn’t intimidated or insecure, I just wanted to be mean, because I was in a position to do so. Maybe, because I’ve been on her side of things so often, and for once it felt kind of empowering to be the intimidating one, but those are the deep down feelings no one wants to admit, right? It’s oh so wrong, and we keep that shit secret where it festers and becomes something truly ugly, but a momentary thought is just that, momentary, and it doesn’t have to mean that you’re a bad person, as long as you have the presence of mind to take a breath and move on to a healthier dialogue.
Except, I would add, that as well intentioned as her message was, it was still strange to have her say: “Never forget that you are a strong, intelligent, beautiful, amazing woman who deserves all the happiness in the world.” I appreciate the sentiment, I really do, but – I’m not sure how to express this – but it came off a little, I don’t know, patronizing?! I’m sure that was not the intent, but I couldn’t help but feel a little irked by her overly complementary attitude. Am I crazy to think that? I actually feel a little ridiculous having written it… How can anyone be too complimentary? I’m a compliment whore. Compliment me all you want, everyone, all the time. It feels good.
As for Mr. X and I, everything was resolved quite nicely, I believe. He responded to my email and addressed some of the issues I brought up. Most importantly, he told me that he would never stop talking to me just because someone asked him to, which I must admit was something that was nagging at me.
What’s funny is that while I was emailing him back he called me. It was a little awkward at first, but then I decided to just read to him what I had written so we could discuss it all, and I’m happy to say we were able to make ourselves understood and find some common ground. What makes me happy is that we are indeed on the same page and on the same level regarding our feelings for each other, and that we don’t want things to change just because he’s dating someone. Except for the phone sex, obviously, which is a bummer, because let me tell you, we had turned phone sex into a veritable art form. So damn hot!
It’s not the end of the world though, when the only thing that needs to change is the expression of our attraction to one another, it’s not a bad deal at all. What’s important is our friendship and how well we know each other. It felt good to be able to laugh with him when all was said and done.
I just want to thank you guys for your support and good advice through all this. I don’t think I would have been able to express my needs so clearly without some of you, and without doing it here first. Basically, I feel better and with that being said, expect something totally off topic and a little more fun tomorrow.
[Update: As I said earlier, I redacted this post, about a month after the fact, which is why I would like to add that it this post is only a reflection of how I felt at the time, although things we’re resolved, my personal feelings about some of the things I wrote have changed, but I’m leaving them in, since they were my experience of it at the time.]