Blogging Got Me Into Trouble
If you’ve been reading my blogs this week, you’ll know that I’ve written a lot about my ex, the trouble with being demanding, vulnerability, sadness and anger, etc. Despite the fact that my mom and brother always add “don’t blog bout this” when they tell me something personal or significant, I think I do a pretty good job balancing honesty with respecting other people’s privacy. I don’t use people’s names and there are some things I would like to talk about in a public forum that I don’t write about, because although they affect me they are not my stories to tell.
Mostly, I stop myself from writing things that would affect my family even if they have nothing to do with them directly. Generally, I don’t have to worry about it too much, because even though my Mom, Dad, and brother are aware of this blog they don’t read… for obvious reasons, and also because I’ve asked them not to.
I felt free to talk about my ex, because he never reads this blog, but what I didn’t consider is that the woman he’s dating would read what I wrote. He told me last night that she read my blog, and if you read my initial post about my ex, you’ll understand how it might upset her.
Our conversation went a little bit like this:
Me: Hey there. How was work? Him: Hey. It was good. XXXXX read your blog. I don’t really want to get all into it right now Me: Okay, well I don’t know what the say to that. Him: Yeah, basically I don’t want any sexy stuff at all going on between you and me. Me: I’ve written about you, but I’ve never used identifying factors. Him: Whatever. She knew and that’s cool. Like you can write whatever you want, but Me: I know that, but? Him: I will be pissed if you try to seduce me again or send me pics or whatever because it’s not good for my thing with XXXXX and not appropraite and I want to be friends with you and I don’t want to hurt her and she didn’t ask me to stop talking to you. So I hope that’s cool and you and I can be friends. Me: Ya, no problem. Him: Ok, cool. Me: Good. Well, I hope things are cool between you two. Him: Thanks, things are cool. Me: I didn’t mean to cause any problems, it’s my blog, I was just expressing some feelings, I didn’t know she would read it. How was I supposed to know she would google me or that she would even know about me and make any kind of connection. Him: It’s ok. It was my fault anyway for not telling her. Whatever. It’s ok. Me: It’s your fault for not telling her what? Him: Nothing. I don’t really want to get into it. Me: Fine. Don’t. Him: Ok. Ok I’m gonna go for now… I don’t want to piss you off. I’m not going to start ignoring you. Me: Whatever, it’s fine, later dude. Him: Later. [An hour later] Him: Dammit Olga, I’m sorry if I’m being a dick to you. I just wanna be friends! Later. Me: What the hell? Him: I hope that things are cool with us. Me: They are, although I’m a combination of feeling like a rock, a little pissed, upset, and calm right now. I don’t want to be all passive aggressive with fine’s and whatever’s. Him: I hear you. I’m a little pissed off too, but I’m not sure why. Anyway, things will be cool if they aren’t now. I hope. Me: True. Him: Cool. We will talk soon. Me: You know what, you love me, you’re attracted to me, we’re best friends and you’re just gonna have to deal with it, I won’t be treated badly because you’re situation is difficult. Him: Ok. Me: And I’m not gonna stop being nice to you, or treat you any differently, I won’t seduce you, as you put it, since you asked me not to, but that’s it. I’m still gonna be there for you, support you, send you gifts whenever I feel like it. Write about what I want, be who I am, and expect no less of you just because you’re dating someone and even if you’re pissed at me right now whatever is going on over there is not my fault and I won’t feel shitty about it. Him: I didn’t say it was your fault. Me: I know you didn’t. Him: Well I’m glad you don’t feel shitty. Me neither. Me: I’m just saying… but really out of everything I said that’s what you pick out?… Well, I feel a little shitty, but that’s just out of compassion. Him: Ok, I’m not pissed and I don’t feel like a dick. I’m still here for you. I’m tired of typing the same thing over and over. I don’t want you to be anyone else. I’m not gonna be anyone else either. Things are good. Me: You should practice expressing your feelings more often, it might do you good.
As you can all see, we’re great communicators when things are tense. That was sarcasm. The convo continued a little longer and things litghtened up quite a bit until he had to leave for work.
I felt fine right until I had to go to bed, when a few things started bothering me. I didn’t like being passive agressive with all my fine’s and whatever’s and I felt like I missed an opportunity to say what was really on my mind, so this morning I sent him an email:
I felt fine after our Facebook chat last night. I think things ended on a good note, but then later on a couple things started nagging at me and since we’re friends I don’t think it’s good to let these things fester.
What I want to know is when you said “She didn’t ask me to stop talking to you”…. if she had asked you to stop talking to me would you? I think it’s important you be honest here, because this would change things between us. If you would stop talking to me, because someone asked you to it would change the way I think about you.
I understand you were probably upset last night, and I was fine with you saying you didn’t want anything sexy to happen between us, but when you added that you would be pissed if I tried to seduce you or send you pictures that kind of got to me, because, well, it’s not like it’s once sided. You didn’t ask me to stop, you enjoy(ed) it as much as I do (did) and you also initiate it sometimes, and you didn’t tell me you were seeing someone the last time I sent you pictures. In fact, you seemed to like them… telling me “I have lips from heaven” isn’t exactly saying “I’m seeing someone now, this isn’t appropriate.”
And while, I’m getting everything out there, I might as well add that I don’t like it when you say you’ll call later and you never do, or you say you’re supportive, but you don’t ask how my step-dad is dealing with his cancer, and I don’t like it when you don’t respond to my emails. It makes me feel like I’m the only one who wants this friendship in the first place.
I’m afraid that being demanding will piss you off, it makes me feel very vulnerable, but I have to stand up for what I deserve, and I deserve a friend that’s there for me as much as I’m there for them. I deserve to be treated right and to have my feelings be a concern. I deserve for you to be honest with me, and I deserve to feel loved and wanted within the confines of this friendship. I deserve for you to pick up the phone and call me when you want to talk, and I deserve a friendship where it’s okay for me to express my feelings without you feeling shitty, closing off, or running away. I deserve a friendship with no holding back.
I’m afraid you’ll say this is making you sad, or it’s too much, and you can’t handle it, and that you’ll need space or whatever, but I have to say what’s on my mind or this is no good. I’m afraid sending this email is a mistake and I should let it go, but I don’t think that’s healthy for me and I have to think of what’s good for me. Basically, I feel taken for granted sometimes and I hope that’s not the case.
I hope that everything will be okay, and that we can be friends. Good friends like we have been and that this won’t be confusing for you. I’m sure this is a difficult position for you and I empathize, but you’re an important part of my life and I don’t want to lose that.
I don’t always want to be the first to reach out, and I don’t always want to be the one to call first. I’m going to back off and let you call me or email me and say what’s on your mind and hopefully things will be good between us from then on. I miss talking to you and laughing on the phone with you and I hope we can do that again soon. I’ll leave that up to you.
Your friend who is always willing and happy to hear from you and have a good laugh or even a good cry if that’s what’s needed, I’m even willing for you to be pissed off at me if that’s what it takes to make things better in the end.
Hopefully, I’ll hear back from you soon and you’ll be able to understand why I needed to say these things.
Writing that was easy, sending it was hard, posting it here was harder. It’s difficult to put yourself in a position where others can judge you, but you guys have been so nice and supportive, I needed to share this. Maybe, I did a good job standing up for myself and asserting some expectations. Maybe, I still need to work on that a little.
I also felt like sending her a message saying, I was sorry if what I wrote upset her and that I wish them both well, etc, etc, but that’s a really bad idea, right, right? It’s none of my business, I should just butt out.
It’s strange to write these things on an open forum, and then to feel like someone just snuck into your room and opened your private diary when they read it. I have a better understanding of why some people choose to blog under a pseudonym. It must be easier to put it all out there without worrying about who will read it and what their responses might be.
Now, I can just wait and see what happens next, what my responses will be. Hopefully, I didn’t make a mistake. Hopefully, I was able to express myself clearly and be understood. Hopefully, I didn’t ruin an important friendship. Here I go, hitting “publish.”