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From Sad, To Angry, & Back Again

January 27, 2012

I should be in therapy right now, but my shrink canceled our appointment, because of bad weather. It’s okay, don’t worry, the couple inches of snow will keep me alive and well until Monday. Sure, no problem.

I’m a strong believer in therapy, I think it can be really helpful to some people, but to be honest, I’m really bad at it. I constantly don’t show-up for appointments without calling first and then I wait a month to schedule another one, which is exactly why I’m in this mess right now.

I didn’t go to my last therapy appointment, which was right before the Holidays and then I waited a month, until I was in true crisis mode, to call and schedule another appointment. Of course, she was booked up all week and the fact that I was feeling near some sort of edge didn’t change the fact that she couldn’t see me right away.

If I was in her office right now, I would tell her how I’ve spent part of the week going from hopelessly sad, to angry, and back again. Maybe you’re all sick of hearing about it, god knows I’m sick of saying it… but I would like to add a few things to So My Ex Is Dating Someone New; a post I wrote earlier this week.

It took me a while, but I got angry. Angry, because he didn’t tell me about it sooner. You see, he told me earlier this week, the first I’ve heard of any of this, that they officially became a couple sometime between Christmas and New Years. At first, I felt like a fool, because our “friendship,” which is more than that and less all at the same time means that we communicate with each other in ways that go beyond what you would do with just a regular friend.

For instance, on January 2nd, I sent him some pictures of myself and various X-Mas stuff, to which he responded with something along the lines of “you have lips from heaven” among other things. Then on January 12th he sent me the following email (redacted):

Been thinking about you a lot, how you take good care of yourself and how you always are into cool shit. I think it’s rad that you are a writer who gets paid for writing and I really liked my Christmas card alot! Also I think the last time I really laughed hard was with you on the phone. I think you might be the person who understands me the most out of anyone and that’s pretty fucking cool, also still loving my raven skull necklace.
I miss you Olga!
Lotsa love,

Like I said, at first I felt like a fool, but now I’m angry. I’m not angry that he would say these things to me while he was dating someone else (although that brings up completely different issues), I’m angry that he said these things to me without telling me that he was dating someone else. Am I wrong in feeling that way or what?

I’m probably won’t tell him (he never reads this blog so no worries there), because on the surface we’ve resolved our issue, right? And this is all in the past or whatever that means, but I wanted to tell someone and since my therapist isn’t in at the moment, I thought you guys wouldn’t mind lending an ear.

P.S. I know a lot of you will want to tell me to get the fuck away from this person, but that’s not the answer for me. What I want is to figure out to be okay with it all, without cutting anyone out of my life. Maybe that’s just crazy, but I’m willing to try and see. One thing I know, is that I have to stop giving so much of myself to him, because that’s certainly not doing me any good.

8 Comments leave one →
  1. Maestro permalink
    January 27, 2012 11:16 am

    Happy to hear what’s on your mind, Olga. Perhaps I’ll be an outsider on this topic, but I don’t think “cut him out of your life” is really in your best interests, either. At least, not as a first pass. The friendship contract was unorthodox to begin with, so the standard rules don’t really apply. It seems to me that the major revamping needed here is a redrawing of the friendship boundaries. That said, there may not be any, and you may have to cut him out of your life, but that seems like a solution for when all other avenues are exhausted (or you become emotionally exhausted from trying them). You’ve obviously built something good with him, so far.

    I’ve been in a friendship similar to this for a while now, and while it’s great, we do have some issues here and there, and have had our rough patches. But this friendship has always been one worth fighting for. When we ran into a problem similar to yours (and it was messy as all hell), we decided to add an additional stipulation to our friendship contract:

    “..to be one-hundred-percent honest with each other about everything–that is, if there is something on your mind, you say it.” which of course, requires the additional ammendment, “When in doubt, anything we say should be taken with the best of intentions.”

    The difficult part has always been that while such honesty avoids issues similar to yours (where I get the sense that one party doesn’t quite understand what the other is thinking,) it requires a larger time-investment into solving the issues that do arise from a “full-information” framework. Anyhow, I figure I’d leave that anecdote with regards to one of the possible boundary redrawings that I’ve implemented in a similar friendship. I’ll leave any and all formal advising to the therapist. (but if you have any questions… well, you have me on facebook).

    Maestro

  2. January 27, 2012 11:37 am

    Do I really have you on Facebook? I checked and didn’t find you…

    I’m so glad to finally hear from someone who doesn’t go straight to “cut him out of your life.” I feel like you understand this kind of relationship.

    We’ve definitely had a strong honesty policy, but let me tell you it’s not easy. Sometimes, honesty hurts a hell of a whole lot.

    What I find difficult right now, is feeling needy. It’s exhausting. I don’t like it. I know we have a special place in each other’s lives, I just don’t want to feel this need to be constantly reminded of it. It make me feel incredibly insecure. It’s like I have a neon sign on my head that blinks “love me, love me, love me, love me” even though I am loved, but it’s never enough…you know what I mean? Which I think has more to do with me than with the relationship itself.

    I just don’t want to feel that way anymore, and I don’t know how to fix it.

  3. --o-- permalink
    January 27, 2012 1:00 pm

    Someone said this on your earlier post and it really resonated with me: “You’re blaming yourself for “having issues”, when really, the issue is that he’s making you feel like shit and you can’t let go.”

    Maybe you’re healthier than you think…

    Love your blog, Olga. Thanks for all your honesty.

  4. January 27, 2012 1:10 pm

    Thanks, –o–! I try to be as honest as possible. It’s not always easy to express those feelings that we often define as “ugly.” What I mean is, sometime it’s okay to admit to yourself that your jealous, or sad, or angry, and not have that mean that your “bad” or “fucked up.”

  5. January 28, 2012 1:16 am

    If you’re not willing to let it go, then what you need is a thicker skin and a fiercer attitude.

    Angry is good. Learning to react in the moment is one skill that is good to have, especially if you’re going to have a relationship that blurs the lines in terms of exactly what it is.

    Putting your foot down and explaining your level of expectation might be also good.

    Somehow I have a feeling that your relationship with him is a deadlock. You’re stuck in the circle of him doing with he does and you feeling what you feel. It’s possible that one of you breaking the cycle will be required. And doing so might expose the flaws in the current situation and help you understand better what this relationship actually is.

    Just a few thoughts.

  6. January 28, 2012 11:38 am

    Those are some good thoughts. I think I managed to do a little bit of that. “Thicker skin and a fiercer attitude” is definitely something I need to work on getting back.

    I just sent him an email outlining my expectations… We’ll see how it goes. Also his gf read my blog, so that got me in a bit of hot water. Maybe, I’ll blog about it later an explain in more detail, but as always you’re opinion and advice is welcomed and appreciated.

  7. January 28, 2012 11:38 am

    Those are some good thoughts. I think I managed to do a little bit of that. “Thicker skin and a fiercer attitude” is definitely something I need to work on getting back.

    I just sent him an email outlining my expectations… We’ll see how it goes. Also his gf read my blog, so that got me in a bit of hot water. Maybe, I’ll blog about it later and explain in more detail, but as always you’re opinion and advice is welcomed and appreciated.

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