From Sad, To Angry, & Back Again
I should be in therapy right now, but my shrink canceled our appointment, because of bad weather. It’s okay, don’t worry, the couple inches of snow will keep me alive and well until Monday. Sure, no problem.
I’m a strong believer in therapy, I think it can be really helpful to some people, but to be honest, I’m really bad at it. I constantly don’t show-up for appointments without calling first and then I wait a month to schedule another one, which is exactly why I’m in this mess right now.
I didn’t go to my last therapy appointment, which was right before the Holidays and then I waited a month, until I was in true crisis mode, to call and schedule another appointment. Of course, she was booked up all week and the fact that I was feeling near some sort of edge didn’t change the fact that she couldn’t see me right away.
If I was in her office right now, I would tell her how I’ve spent part of the week going from hopelessly sad, to angry, and back again. Maybe you’re all sick of hearing about it, god knows I’m sick of saying it… but I would like to add a few things to So My Ex Is Dating Someone New; a post I wrote earlier this week.
It took me a while, but I got angry. Angry, because he didn’t tell me about it sooner. You see, he told me earlier this week, the first I’ve heard of any of this, that they officially became a couple sometime between Christmas and New Years. At first, I felt like a fool, because our “friendship,” which is more than that and less all at the same time means that we communicate with each other in ways that go beyond what you would do with just a regular friend.
For instance, on January 2nd, I sent him some pictures of myself and various X-Mas stuff, to which he responded with something along the lines of “you have lips from heaven” among other things. Then on January 12th he sent me the following email (redacted):
Been thinking about you a lot, how you take good care of yourself and how you always are into cool shit. I think it’s rad that you are a writer who gets paid for writing and I really liked my Christmas card alot! Also I think the last time I really laughed hard was with you on the phone. I think you might be the person who understands me the most out of anyone and that’s pretty fucking cool, also still loving my raven skull necklace.I miss you Olga!Lotsa love,
Like I said, at first I felt like a fool, but now I’m angry. I’m not angry that he would say these things to me while he was dating someone else (although that brings up completely different issues), I’m angry that he said these things to me without telling me that he was dating someone else. Am I wrong in feeling that way or what?
I’m probably won’t tell him (he never reads this blog so no worries there), because on the surface we’ve resolved our issue, right? And this is all in the past or whatever that means, but I wanted to tell someone and since my therapist isn’t in at the moment, I thought you guys wouldn’t mind lending an ear.
P.S. I know a lot of you will want to tell me to get the fuck away from this person, but that’s not the answer for me. What I want is to figure out to be okay with it all, without cutting anyone out of my life. Maybe that’s just crazy, but I’m willing to try and see. One thing I know, is that I have to stop giving so much of myself to him, because that’s certainly not doing me any good.