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Fag Hag: Troubled and Trouble

October 25, 2010

Remember when “fag hag” was part of the vernacular, where did that term go I ask you? Do people still use that expression?

It was 1998, Will & Grace had debuted on network television, I shared an apartment with my then best friend T. and according to the Urban Dictionary I was a true fag hag.

One summer, when T. and I were, uh*, taking a time out from our own apartment and invaded our friends’ place for a week I happened to picked-up a book that was lying around and begging to be read.

Fag Hag by Robert Rodi the story of a woman who is madly in love with her gay best friend. When this particular fag hag’s best friend finds true love and she is no longer able to sabotage her intended lover’s relationships, she kidnaps him, locks him up in her basement (or something like that, 1998 was a long time ago) and tries to force him to love her. Obviously this plan fails. Miserably.

This is in no way mirrors my own life experience. I was never in love with T. I loved him. We were as close as two people can possibly be, but I never desired him in that way. I’m pretty happy about that, because unrequited love sucks balls.

T. and I met in high school. He asked me out actually. I said no. About a year later we became friends. Admitted to each other that we were bisexual. Then moved towards either end of the sexual orientation spectrum and assumed the identities of gay and straight, respectfully.

We lived together for four years. I’ve never been more comfortable or open with another person. This created tension in our other relationships. We were closer to one another than we were with our boyfriends, lovers, family and other friends. It made for some strange dynamics at times. Created jealousies, from them (the outsiders) and from us (when one of the outsiders got too close to one of us).

We were troubled and we were trouble.

His mother blamed me for making him gay. My mother blamed him for giving me bad ideas.

T.’s mother died from breast cancer last year. I never called.

* We were vacationing from our apartment, because T. had bought a pair of roller skates from a Hell’s Angel on credit, which he neglected to pay back. Fearing for our lives we vacated the premises after receiving a “warning” call. Packing a bag full of supplies we escaped through the back fire escape and “visited” our friends for a part of the summer. Actually, I’m pretty sure, at the time, we just wanted to hang out anywhere but home.

14 Comments leave one →
  1. October 25, 2010 10:24 am

    I dont know where the term went. I think some people still use it, but it is meant as a derogatory term I think, so if it is used less that could be a good thing.

    Your friendship sounds not unlike my relationship with my ‘Boy’ only we had to go and complicate everything by having sex didn’t we?

  2. October 25, 2010 10:33 am

    It is a pretty negative term. Devaluing. I actually find it weird when people self-reference that way. I just thought about the book recently….

  3. October 25, 2010 10:39 am

    Ugh, I don’t know if I got the tone right now.

    I don’t actually self-identify with the term or with what the Urban Dictionary has to say about it. Just saying. Not a supporter. Although the book was pretty alright.

  4. October 25, 2010 11:13 am

    Speaking from my life, I don’t get the hatred of gays. It’s related to racism and religiousism and sexism and all the other isms whereby people hate anyone different than their tribe. We are all tribal at the core.

  5. October 25, 2010 11:14 am

    Btw, I use the same template. Classy choice I must say.

  6. October 25, 2010 2:07 pm

    I think your tone was fine. I didn’t read it as you identifying with the term. But showing how people treat a friendship between a woman and a gay man. I call myself a ‘homophile’ sometimes!

  7. October 25, 2010 7:26 pm

    Why didn’t you call? Have you just not kept up with him since?

  8. October 26, 2010 12:48 am

    Why didn’t I call him?

    Many reasons. I felt awkward about it. We’re not part of each other’ lives anymore. I have mixed feelings about that period of my life, etc, etc. Mostly, sometimes, I’m an ass.

    I’ll probably write about it some more soon.

  9. October 26, 2010 3:06 pm

    I see. Would it be at all possible that calling him to talk about these sorts of things would help clear up those mixed feelings? 😀

  10. October 26, 2010 4:21 pm

    I have used the term “fag hag” in the past, but usually to describe a type of personality or look, not necessarily in a derogatory sense. I think I’ve said it maybe three times in my life, and never like “She’s a fag hag,” more like describing someone as “kinda like fag-hag-ish, know what I mean?”

    I have always found the term “fruit fly” more amusing in terms of characterizing behaviour, but again, this could easily be seen as offensive. I do know people who would embrace such terms, taking pride in their participation in queer culture, FWIW.

  11. October 26, 2010 5:28 pm

    @Serena Dante: of course you are right, and that’s exactly the advice I would give to someone, but whether I will do it is a different a question altogether.

    @Gore Gore Girl: What’s FWIW? As far as characterizing behavior goes, I know what you mean.

  12. October 26, 2010 5:45 pm

    FWIW = “for what it’s worth.” 🙂

  13. October 26, 2010 5:56 pm

    I see, that makes sense. I bet I could have figured out that acronym if I really tried. Then again, maybe not.


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