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Being Shunned Never Feels Good

July 10, 2010

One of my cousins got married a couple of months ago and I wasn’t invited. The reasons to that are long and muddled. Let’s just say it’s one of those inner family feuds type deals. The wedding was actually taking place about 20 minutes away from where I lived. All my family was going to be there and I wanted to go. I thought about crashing it, I was texting another one of my cousins to find out if certain people had gone to bed, which would have meant I could sneak in. Once all my aunts and uncles were asleep and only a few cousins were still up and drinking, I made my way over there. 

At one point, we started talking about this blog and my cousin, the one I had been texting to find out if the coast was clear, and I got into a discussion, which involved him telling me over and over again to use spell check and to be more secretive about this little hobby of mine. Ok, yes, sometimes, most of the time, I don’t reread my own writing and a bunch of little mistakes and typos and whatnots slip through the cracks. I don’t like it. It’s embarrassing, but I just don’t have the time or the inclination to be my own proofreader. Bastard didn’t have to be such an ass about it. Alright, so it’s a sore point for me. I’m not the greatest speller or typist in the world. Did I ever mention my first language is French? That’s a good excuse if I’ve ever heard one.

My cousin, the one that was harping on me about using spell check, is a pretty conservative dude. On the outside. Inside is a whole other scary kind of story. Anyhow, he informed me that I had been the topic of conversation among my aunts. One of whom was frankly appalled and subsequently deleted me from Facebook. Deleted by my own aunt, can you believe it? She could have just hidden me. My brother says I should inform her of the Facebook hide function the next time I see her. 

I’m sure some people will say “what do you expect?” considering the nature of this blog “you’re practically asking for it.” Well, I’m not. I didn’t choose the subjects of this blog because of their flashy nature. Everyone has their own interests. I don’t like Farmville and the like, so I block that shit from my news feed, I don’t shun you because of it. Sure, I might delete you if you suddenly started writing nazi propaganda, but that’s a whole other kettle of fish. Isn’t it? I don’t want to shove my own agenda down people’s throats, but I don’t want to be shunned either. Why is this such a big deal?

My cousin, spell check dude, told me to do what I like, but to keep it separate from family. I called him a coward. I decided when starting this blog to use my real name. I laughed in the face of “what if a prospective employer googles you?” I respect people who blog using a pseudonym, hell it’s part of the nature of blogging. I decided against it. Maybe I just couldn’t think of one I liked. Maybe compartmentalizing everything gives me a headache. Maybe I used my real name because I like to think of myself as an author. 

I’m annoyed, can you tell? As a result of all this, I created a list on Facebook of all my relatives (except my brother/including spell check dude) and blocked their access to my posts and links. If they want to read my stuff, they’ll just have to google me like other random strangers. 

12 Comments leave one →
  1. July 11, 2010 8:22 am

    I started using my full real name when I published my novel. I don’t care about what people think. I write what I want and my friends like me for being real.

  2. July 11, 2010 4:23 pm

    Sounds good to me.

  3. July 11, 2010 5:46 pm

    I had similar issues when Black Heart was an erotic magazine. My grandfather sent me a nasty email, telling me there was “nothing on that path but pain,” and saying he was praying for me. I had accidentally included a link to the website in the signature of my emails, and he clicked it and was appalled. I tried to explain that I didn’t mean to offend him, but it was my life and I was not ashamed of my writing such things.

    He probably still thinks I’m an evil sinner. I call it generation gap. It’s a bummer, but what can you do? Some people will never understand.

    Like you said, you block Farmville apps, some of your family blocks sex stuff, we don’t all like or get the same things. I agree, though, that it’s pretty shitty to block or unfriend a family member based on what they write. Sometimes, though, family isn’t worth defending. I block all of one of my uncle’s emails after he basically had a public flame-war with me in front of my whole family, instead of being an adult and either a) responding privately or b) just ignoring the email; some things are just inexcusable.

  4. July 11, 2010 5:59 pm

    My mother hasn’t seen this blog yet, and I can tell she’s a little apprehensive. In reality though, I don’t think she would even blink at the mention of half the stuff I write about. The thing that worries her, though, about the Internet in particular as a medium is that she thinks that I’m putting myself in danger of some pervert somewhere trapping me into his web. I mean anything is possible, but if you start thinking like that you eventually stop living. Danger lurks everywhere, but I think I’m pretty street savvy. I hope. Ha!

    You’re right, some things are inexcusable. A sad realization I came to today. Not the family thing, but concerning a friendship of mine that has gone down the proverbial shitter. Does shitter take two t’s? I wonder…

  5. July 13, 2010 4:15 am

    I just read “Naked on the Internet” by Audacia Ray and it’s gotten me thinking a lot about this and about just how “out” I want to be about my own blog and sex related work stuff.

    Anyway, I’m sorry you’ve gotten shit you shouldn’t get for this simply for talking about something that is a HUGE part of human existence. The close minded behaviour of some of those relatives of yours is ridiculous, reprehensible and prehistoric.

    Your blog rocks, I love what you do, you’re awesome for doing it and I sincerely hope that you continue to.

  6. July 13, 2010 5:29 pm

    That might be something I would be interested in reading.

    And thanks, it’s nice to hear things like that. Encouraging to know it’s not all dust in the wind.

  7. yeahbutnobutyeahbut permalink
    July 19, 2010 1:16 am

    I *wish* I could blog with my face and my name. If I ever actually use all my content to write a book, I would most certainly use my real name.

    Unfortunately I exist in a rather twisted broken down family where I would definitely lose access to my beautiful 6 year old neice if my blog was discovered, not just because of all the written content but the posts I make would further illustrate that I also contribute to a number of adult sites.

    As she gets older I will be able to slowly drop my guard, because I am proud of what I write and the content I produce and want to put my name and face to what I believe in.

    If I think about all of this too much it gets me down… I know precisely how you feel, your family should support your happiness and success.

    You write an amazing blog, you share so much valuable information with so many people and I find your message here inspiring and affirming.

    Please don’t stop and don’t let the jerks of this world bring you down. Whether they’re family or not, a jerk is a jerk!

  8. July 19, 2010 4:25 pm

    It’s sad that we live in a world where sex bloggers risk loosing their jobs or loosing access to certain family members. It’s a pity really.

    Thank you for all your kind words.

    P.S. Your email handle is hilarious.

  9. yeahbutnobutyeahbut permalink
    July 19, 2010 10:19 pm

    Well I work for a company that produces adult content and honestly couldn’t ever see myself in a conventional work-role again, so it’s a shame one little subset of my family hold me back from the honesty I want to live in every area of my life, not just my blog.

    And no, they don’t know where I work either.

    I mean, if my Christian Mum and conservative Dad can be cool with my job it seems out and out insane that my neice’s Dad and soon to be step-mum would have a problem with writing I do… (my late sister would have been totally cool with *all* of this if she was alive)

    Argggggggghhhhhhh! It’s so frustrating! So stupid!

    Oh wells, thems the breaks and sometimes things in life are just plain ridiculous and don’t make sense. I guess it’s how you conduct yourself in the end that matters – you write incredibly well and do not stop for one second because of the narrow mindedness of others.

    Laf thanks 🙂

  10. July 19, 2010 10:28 pm

    It’s a shame, but think of it as a good cause. Lying a little bit or holding back the truth in this instance is the right way to go since you want to know your niece and like you said before when she’s older it’ll be a completely different story.

    I would never describe my parents as Christian or conservative, but even then I’m sure it’s difficult for any parent to see their kids grow up ad work in the sex industry. Hell, parents and kids have a hard enough time just talking about sex to one another, and for the most part just block that part of each others lives out of their psyche. I imagine it’s hard for even the most liberal parents to see their kids engage in the material that we like to discuss. So, my long winded point here is that thank god we have the kind of parents that would accept us for who we are. I imagine that would make life that much more difficult.

    Awww, and thanks again.

  11. Michael Brolley permalink
    July 21, 2010 9:39 pm

    Applause for all your openness. I love reading this blog, and it’s a shame to know that family will do that to you, but unfortunately it’s common. I, like you, don’t care what my family knows about my life, and what they think of it. I stopped caring what people thought of me years ago, and it feels pretty good. Of course it’s not a pleasant feeling to have someone who is close to you be so intolerant and immature, but it’s sure-as-shit a whole lot easier than having to pussy-foot around their preferences. I’m sure all of them could enrich their lives by reading at least parts of your blog -but it’s their life to waste.

    Are you still in Kingston? I miss that place immensely.

  12. July 21, 2010 10:26 pm

    No, I’m not in Kingston anymore. Haven’t been for two years. It seems like such a long time ago, but every once in a while I miss it alot. You’re making me nostalgic. I kind of wish I was still there doing a master’s or something.

    Thanks for all your kind words.

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