25 Things Not to Do While Eating Out
I was browsing through the online magazine Sexis over at Eden Fantasys last night and I came across an article entitled The 25 Hallmarks of Bad Cunnilingus. I have to say, I wasn’t too impressed with blogger Lindsay Lewis’ take on it. It should have been called “The 25 things I Don’t Like About…” because the 25 things she does name seem to me to be more of a matter of taste than overall rules to stand by.
This particular blog post can be found under Humor, which might account for the flippant tone of the article, but since it is also listed under Sex-Ed and this blog self-identifies as sex-positive, I found myself irked by some of the things that were written, which kind of came across as a little judgemental and preachy. It might not help that I just read an article over at Carnal Nation called At Sexis Magazine, Bigotry is Sold as Humor, which speaks about similar issues.
Here is my take on the 25 things you (apparently) shouldn’t do while eating pussy.
1. The Cow Lick. Not as in bad hair, but rather as in the bovine variety of tongue movement. The Cow Lick is noted for the flattened tongue and the overreaching area it covers. It can start as an almost-rimming and continue as far north as your navel. It tends to be repeated excessively. If you have been Cow Licked, you know it.
You know what, some people might like this. I know that when I read this particular item on the list, I thought to myself “Hell, sometimes I like a little overreaching areas to be covered.
2. Mr. Scratchy. A five o’clock shadow is nice, but not when being raked against one’s tender bits. No one (except, brief shout out to you BDSM pain sluts out there) likes clitupuncture.
Don’t know about you, but I find a “brief shout out to BDSM pain sluts” a little insulting. Maybe, I’m being hyper-critical here, but I don’t know if adding “slut” to someone’s sexual preference is very sex-positive. Also, what about people who don’t necessarily identify with a label like BDSM, but still enjoy a little contrast in terms of textures and sensations when it comes to sex. For the record, I like stubble.
3. Misguided Enthusiasm, or a little thing I like to call Lost and Refusing to Stop for Directions. Dude is going to town, like an ADD sufferer in hyperfocus—only he’s not on your clit. His current target is your urethra and all you can think of is your impending UTI.
Oh yeah, this one definitely sucks, but if you don’t have the sexual confidence to give someone a little guidance (not everyone is made the same way and not everyone likes the same things), you’ve got no one to blame but yourself.
4. Tongue-Fucking. Just don’t do it. If you have our pants off and you can successfully maneuver your way though Phase 1, you will be given the opportunity to fuck us for real. Really.
Can I here, “matter of personal taste” in the house?
5. The Howard Hughes, or Unkempt, Too-Long Nails. There is only one reason for a man to have long nails and I can’t say it here, but rest assured, we don’t want Mr. Can’t Find My Nail Clipper down there. (See number 2.)
Again, a matter of personal taste here, but I gotta say I agree, especially if they are dirty nails. Was there really a need to go to “there is only one reason for a man to have long nails”? I don’t think so.
6. Rimming without Permission. Sure, we’ve spread our legs for you, but this is not the Golden Corral. It is not an all-you-can-eat buffet PLUS dessert bar. Seriously. Discuss this first.
True, all sexual endeavors should be discussed, but if you’re not gonna straight out ask someone if they want a rim job just go for it slowly and pay attention to how their body reacts.
7. Kissing Us on the Mouth After, Sans Courtesy Wipe. Seen many auto-cunnilingus videos on YouPorn? Some like it, some tolerate it, and a good (from my straw poll) 80% will throw up a little in their mouth. I can’t stress this enough—when in doubt, ask.
80%, really? That surprised me. All I can say is that she doesn’t talk to the same people I talk to.
8. Lick-n-Stick. You know who you are. You are only there because AstroGlide is $13 bucks a bottle. Your saliva doesn’t have the staying power. Trust me.
I might be a little dense, I don’t even know what this one is about.
9. Clit Slap and Tug. (See number 6.) Some like it; some don’t. But you don’t want to be the guy who slaps a clit only to find a print of an acrylic stripper heel in your forehead. You have been warned.
Thank you, some people do in fact like this. Good to have that be acknowledged.
10. Heated or Flavored Lube. Look—we’re delicious as is. I liken this to fine dining and asking for catsup with your filet.
Oh yeah, I like this one!
11. The Lizard Lick or Snake Tongue. You know this guy. He doesn’t like it, and if you Google ‘hesitation’ his thumbnail will pop up. If you don’t like it, don’t do it. Save us, and you the visible pain of your discomfort.
True, nothing worse than having someone go down on you when they clearly don’t like it, but I tend to pose myself some serious questions about people who don’t like oral sex (and that goes for everyone).
12. Gum-Chewing. I don’t want to be minty-fresh. If I did, I’d insert an Altoid. Or a Listerine strip.
13. Slurpy Mouth Noise. It’s distracting and cuts into our fantasy that you are Brad Pitt/our best friend’s husband/your roommate. Can you believe we think such things? Just kidding, as far as you know.
14. Coming Up for Air or Starting a Conversation. If you have not been specifically instructed to stop, do not. Rhythm-breaking is like being sent back to GO in Monopoly. You could have bought Park Place, but you stopped and are now headed for jail. And there’s no Get Out of Jail Free card for this one.
15. Surprises. Don’t like them. You have a butt plug in your pocket? Good for you. As long as you plan on using it on yourself and not springing it on me. I am trying to have an orgasm here. Please don’t ask me to multitask.
Pretty reasonable so far.
16. 2 in the Pink, 1 in the Stink. I am not completely opposed to it; I just hate the phrasing. And again, ask first.
Never heard this expression before, but good god is that some horrible phrasing.
17. Waking from a Dead Sleep to Find Your Head Between My Legs. If I met you in that aforementioned ‘drinks at a bar’ scenario, I might not remember your name, and ‘hey you, stop that!’ just sounds so impersonal.
Sure, ok, yeah. Makes sense. Well, on second thought, I CAN picture a scenario or two where that would be fine and dandy with me.
18. No Play by Play. This is not ‘Muff-Day Night Fuckball’. For all of you who enjoy twittering, tweeting and who were born to be sportscasters calling the Final Four, more power to you. Me, I like my oral silent and steadfast.
Sportscasters ARE annoying, but than again “dirty talk” is well…pretty nice, I think.
19. 69. I am getting personal here. I know there are fans aplenty, but I liken it to playing offense and defense at the same time. Pick a side. Seriously, I can not focus on what you are trying to achieve when your cock is halfway down my throat.
True, if my mission is to cum. Fun as a lead up though.
20. Thigh Nibbling. Nothing to see here. Move along. Or up.
21. Blowing in It. What is this all about? The queef is one of the most unflattering noises that can be made in the bedroom. Why anyone would want to create a situation where that might occur is beyond me. A small aside on queef etiquette: It didn’t happen, you didn’t hear it, and it is to be ignored completely and totally.
Come on here, totally a matter of personal taste. NOT a rule ladies and gentlemen.
22. Failure to Respond to the Shoulder Tap. I’ll decode the Shoulder Tap for you: Single tap; ease up a bit. Two taps; that is not my clit you’re working on. Three taps; we’re done here. ‘Yer out!’
If your going to communicate during sex with morse code, I’d suggest letting your partner in on what it all means. I’m having fun here, I don’t have time or enough blood going through my brain to figure out whether you just tapped my shoulder or squeezed it because it feels good.
23. Biting. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.
24. Failure to Pause After Orgasm. You like it when we keep blowing you after you’re done? Gets a bit sensitive, n’est-ce-pas? Same here.
25. Mr. Learned All My Moves from XXX Porn. This guy separates your labia with index and middle finger, goes down like he’s trying to resuscitate the pussy, then suddenly and without warning begins a series of attacks and flagellations of the clit. He is the worst of the worst and the most likely to incorporate all of the above offenses into his repertoire. Please remember, when watching porn, the stars are paid for a reason. Don’t try it at home. You could get hurt.
Still on the “personal taste” train here folks. Although the last one there makes sense, only in terms of, if I’m having sex with someone I don’t want to feel like I’m playing the role of a vagina with an interchangeable face. You better be immersed in the way I smell, taste and feel instead of picturing yourself in the leading role of your own personal porn.