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25 Things Not to Do While Eating Out

May 3, 2010

I was browsing through the online magazine Sexis over at Eden Fantasys last night and I came across an article entitled The 25 Hallmarks of Bad Cunnilingus. I have to say, I wasn’t too impressed with blogger Lindsay Lewis’ take on it. It should have been called “The 25 things I Don’t Like About…” because the 25 things she does name seem to me to be more of a matter of taste than overall rules to stand by. 

This particular blog post can be found under Humor, which might account for the flippant tone of the article, but since it is also listed under Sex-Ed and this blog self-identifies as sex-positive, I found myself irked by some of the things that were written, which kind of came across as a little judgemental and preachy. It might not help that I just read an article over at Carnal Nation called At Sexis Magazine, Bigotry is Sold as Humor, which speaks about similar issues. 

Here is my take on the 25 things you (apparently) shouldn’t do while eating pussy. 

1. The Cow Lick. Not as in bad hair, but rather as in the bovine variety of tongue movement. The Cow Lick is noted for the flattened tongue and the overreaching area it covers. It can start as an almost-rimming and continue as far north as your navel. It tends to be repeated excessively. If you have been Cow Licked, you know it. 

You know what, some people might like this. I know that when I read this particular item on the list, I thought to myself “Hell, sometimes I like a little overreaching areas to be covered. 

2. Mr. Scratchy. A five o’clock shadow is nice, but not when being raked against one’s tender bits. No one (except, brief shout out to you BDSM pain sluts out there) likes clitupuncture. 

Don’t know about you, but I find a “brief shout out to BDSM pain sluts” a little insulting. Maybe, I’m being hyper-critical here, but I don’t know if adding “slut” to someone’s sexual preference is very sex-positive. Also, what about people who don’t necessarily identify with a label like BDSM, but still enjoy a little contrast in terms of textures and sensations when it comes to sex. For the record, I like stubble. 

3. Misguided Enthusiasm, or a little thing I like to call Lost and Refusing to Stop for Directions. Dude is going to town, like an ADD sufferer in hyperfocus—only he’s not on your clit. His current target is your urethra and all you can think of is your impending UTI. 

Oh yeah, this one definitely sucks, but if you don’t have the sexual confidence to give someone a little guidance (not everyone is made the same way and not everyone likes the same things), you’ve got no one to blame but yourself. 

4. Tongue-Fucking. Just don’t do it. If you have our pants off and you can successfully maneuver your way though Phase 1, you will be given the opportunity to fuck us for real. Really. 

Can I here, “matter of personal taste” in the house?

5. The Howard Hughes, or Unkempt, Too-Long Nails. There is only one reason for a man to have long nails and I can’t say it here, but rest assured, we don’t want Mr. Can’t Find My Nail Clipper down there. (See number 2.) 

Again, a matter of personal taste here, but I gotta say I agree, especially if they are dirty nails. Was there really a need to go to “there is only one reason for a man to have long nails”? I don’t think so. 

6. Rimming without Permission. Sure, we’ve spread our legs for you, but this is not the Golden Corral. It is not an all-you-can-eat buffet PLUS dessert bar. Seriously. Discuss this first. 

True, all sexual endeavors should be discussed, but if you’re not gonna straight out ask someone if they want a rim job just go for it slowly and pay attention to how their body reacts. 

7. Kissing Us on the Mouth After, Sans Courtesy Wipe. Seen many auto-cunnilingus videos on YouPorn? Some like it, some tolerate it, and a good (from my straw poll) 80% will throw up a little in their mouth. I can’t stress this enough—when in doubt, ask. 

80%, really? That surprised me. All I can say is that she doesn’t talk to the same people I talk to. 

8. Lick-n-Stick. You know who you are. You are only there because AstroGlide is $13 bucks a bottle. Your saliva doesn’t have the staying power. Trust me. 

I might be a little dense, I don’t even know what this one is about. 

9. Clit Slap and Tug. (See number 6.) Some like it; some don’t. But you don’t want to be the guy who slaps a clit only to find a print of an acrylic stripper heel in your forehead. You have been warned. 

Thank you, some people do in fact like this. Good to have that be acknowledged. 

10. Heated or Flavored Lube. Look—we’re delicious as is. I liken this to fine dining and asking for catsup with your filet. 

Oh yeah, I like this one! 

11. The Lizard Lick or Snake Tongue. You know this guy. He doesn’t like it, and if you Google ‘hesitation’ his thumbnail will pop up. If you don’t like it, don’t do it. Save us, and you the visible pain of your discomfort. 

True, nothing worse than having someone go down on you when they clearly don’t like it, but I tend to pose myself some serious questions about people who don’t like oral sex (and that goes for everyone). 

12. Gum-Chewing. I don’t want to be minty-fresh. If I did, I’d insert an Altoid. Or a Listerine strip. 

13. Slurpy Mouth Noise. It’s distracting and cuts into our fantasy that you are Brad Pitt/our best friend’s husband/your roommate. Can you believe we think such things? Just kidding, as far as you know. 

14. Coming Up for Air or Starting a Conversation. If you have not been specifically instructed to stop, do not. Rhythm-breaking is like being sent back to GO in Monopoly. You could have bought Park Place, but you stopped and are now headed for jail. And there’s no Get Out of Jail Free card for this one. 

15. Surprises. Don’t like them. You have a butt plug in your pocket? Good for you. As long as you plan on using it on yourself and not springing it on me. I am trying to have an orgasm here. Please don’t ask me to multitask. 

Pretty reasonable so far. 

16. 2 in the Pink, 1 in the Stink. I am not completely opposed to it; I just hate the phrasing. And again, ask first. 

Never heard this expression before, but good god is that some horrible phrasing. 

17. Waking from a Dead Sleep to Find Your Head Between My Legs. If I met you in that aforementioned ‘drinks at a bar’ scenario, I might not remember your name, and ‘hey you, stop that!’ just sounds so impersonal. 

Sure, ok, yeah. Makes sense. Well, on second thought, I CAN picture a scenario or two where that would be fine and dandy with me. 

18. No Play by Play. This is not ‘Muff-Day Night Fuckball’. For all of you who enjoy twittering, tweeting and who were born to be sportscasters calling the Final Four, more power to you. Me, I like my oral silent and steadfast. 

Sportscasters ARE annoying, but than again “dirty talk” is well…pretty nice, I think. 

19. 69. I am getting personal here. I know there are fans aplenty, but I liken it to playing offense and defense at the same time. Pick a side. Seriously, I can not focus on what you are trying to achieve when your cock is halfway down my throat. 

True, if my mission is to cum. Fun as a lead up though. 

20. Thigh Nibbling. Nothing to see here. Move along. Or up. 

21. Blowing in It. What is this all about? The queef is one of the most unflattering noises that can be made in the bedroom. Why anyone would want to create a situation where that might occur is beyond me. A small aside on queef etiquette: It didn’t happen, you didn’t hear it, and it is to be ignored completely and totally. 

Come on here, totally a matter of personal taste. NOT a rule ladies and gentlemen. 

22. Failure to Respond to the Shoulder Tap. I’ll decode the Shoulder Tap for you: Single tap; ease up a bit. Two taps; that is not my clit you’re working on. Three taps; we’re done here. ‘Yer out!’ 

If your going to communicate during sex with morse code, I’d suggest letting your partner in on what it all means. I’m having fun here, I don’t have time or enough blood going through my brain to figure out whether you just tapped my shoulder or squeezed it because it feels good. 

23. Biting. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. 

24. Failure to Pause After Orgasm. You like it when we keep blowing you after you’re done? Gets a bit sensitive, n’est-ce-pas? Same here. 

25. Mr. Learned All My Moves from XXX Porn. This guy separates your labia with index and middle finger, goes down like he’s trying to resuscitate the pussy, then suddenly and without warning begins a series of attacks and flagellations of the clit. He is the worst of the worst and the most likely to incorporate all of the above offenses into his repertoire. Please remember, when watching porn, the stars are paid for a reason. Don’t try it at home. You could get hurt.

Still on the “personal taste” train here folks. Although the last one there makes sense, only in terms of, if I’m having sex with someone I don’t want to feel like I’m playing the role of a vagina with an interchangeable face. You better be immersed in the way I smell, taste and feel instead of picturing yourself in the leading role of your own personal porn. 

17 Comments leave one →
  1. May 3, 2010 5:34 am

    Apparently I’m a dirty BDSM slut (amongst other things) – I like/love 14 of these things done to me. If not all the time, then some of the time. More people should just openly communicate with their sex partners about what they like and be attentive to how the body responds. This kind of misinformation is irritating because it makes for bad sex and encourages miscommunication.
    Great post!

  2. May 3, 2010 6:27 am

    Thanks, I’m glad you liked the post. Communications among partners is a really important thing and should be encouraged as much as possible. Hell, we all deserve to have great sex and you can’t expect that when there’s so much misinformation going around. Being attentive to your partners body and how it responds is something everyone should be aware of. One of my friends actually put that point across to me really well a few years ago when we were talking about sex, confidence and being in the moment. I think it’s hard for some people to feel good, let go and get out of their heads.

  3. May 3, 2010 8:57 am

    Gosh! Sounds like there is no one on earth who could possible satisfy her. I’d be afraid to even try licking her. Personally if you aren’t confident enough to communicate your desires with your partner than you have no business inviting anyone to lick you in the first place.

    Out of the 25 I can say I have performed about 10 of them and my partner has been very happy. #19 is really, really fun.

  4. liz permalink
    May 3, 2010 11:18 am

    It’s interesting that “7. Kissing Us on the Mouth After, Sans Courtesy Wipe” is not acceptable when “we’re delicious as is” in rejection to the flavoured or heated lube. So it’s delicious for him but your own fluids are disgusting to you? I think that’s a cold double standard. Not to mention the fact that I think some guys are kind of sensitive about their oral performance, which can lead to communication break downs are awkward porn re-enactments. Perhaps a gentler approach would have been better. On a side note, I would love to hear 25 no-nos for blow jobs, wouldn’t you?

  5. Wayne permalink
    May 3, 2010 1:51 pm

    It’s just another generic article, trying to achieve humor while at the same time informing. It pretty much reminds me of all the cover blurbs I see on Cosmo at the grocery check-out. As both you and I constantly point out Olga, personal tastes and preferences are the thing to keep in mind. Anyone who truly enjoys sex and is also enotionaly mature to be having it, be it with a single partner or with the “flavor of the day” will know that communication and discourse between all involved is important. The only thing “off limits” are the things that not all people involved aren’t comfortable with!

  6. May 3, 2010 6:55 pm

    Oh, good point on number 7, Liz. I hadn’t even caught that myself, but good point indeed.

    I think a lot of people lack confidence when it comes to their oral performances. That’s why being in sync with your partner and paying attention to how their body reacts is a really god skill to develop. Also, communication is a great sexual tool.

    A list of 25 blow job no-nos would probably be full of personal taste issues. There’s always the exception to the rule. Most people would agree that teeth are a no-no, but that’s not always true. I’d prefer hearing a list of things to do that are generally appreciated.

  7. May 3, 2010 7:04 pm

    Their magazine does reminded me a bit of cosmo in their attempt to be alternative yet still pander to the same audience. Good call, Wayne.

  8. May 3, 2010 7:07 pm

    True, but to be fair she did have the courage to express her likes and dislikes with the use of a public platform even if she did do in under the guise of educating the public in a way that was a little pejorative and totally biased.

  9. Erika permalink
    May 4, 2010 8:53 pm

    Lick N Stick:

    This is a bad experience of mine. I believe she was referring to the guys who won’t pay for a bottle of AstroGlide but are perfectly content to lick the area to “just enough for the moment” wetness, and then stick it in. And this is backed up by the wimpy staying power of saliva. DOES. NOT. WORK. Also, insulting. If you don’t have enough time to get me going, but you have enough time to get yourself off, well…AAARGH LICK N STICK!!!!

  10. May 4, 2010 9:08 pm

    Haha, ok, well apparently I haven’t had that happen to me, but I can definitely see how it could be frustrating. “Just enough” is not good until its “enough”.

  11. Liz permalink
    May 5, 2010 6:30 am

    I was kidding about the 25 no-nos for blow jobs.. hehe. But I agree! Let’s make a list of our 25 fave things about oral sex – both men and women! What do you think?

  12. Craig permalink
    May 5, 2010 2:02 pm

    I was glad to see you challenge so many of those, Olga; I’m sure that the expression “different strokes for different folks” was originally coined in this particular context: I’ve certainly learned from my own experience that the “perfect technique” is almost as elusive as a truly “universal remote” for the tv-stereo system. And anyway, 25 prohibitions?! That’s altogether too much fussy legislation when surely we’re trying to get a little dirty. Lindsay Lewis doesn’t sound like a very fun date, does she? I mean, twenty-five “don’ts” from one woman would be more than enough for me to say, “well, then, I won’t.” (Unless, of course, each “don’t” is followed by a “stop.”) As for Liz’s question, well, in my experience, a blowjob from an enthusiastic fellatrix is simply a wonderful thing, however it plays out and whatever her personal style may be. So, having wracked my brain, I can only come up with:

    1. Careful with those teeth.

    Apart from that, go ahead, surprise me.

  13. May 5, 2010 5:44 pm

    Good idea!

  14. May 5, 2010 5:57 pm

    I liked how you made a parallel between finding a truly universal remote with finding a perfect technique. Made me smirk while trying to take a sip of my orange juice complete with perrier, a challenge all of its own.

    “Careful with those teeth”… made me think of something though. I think a lot of people are afraid to let lose while performing oral sex, because they are concerned about hurting the other person. I know that as a girl growing up, it was instilled in me to never hit a guy in the nuts, because it (as we all know) is extremely painful. Were taught to be careful with a guys penis and testicles, because too much pressure or too much teeth action is a big no-no. So sometimes, especially the first few times you want to include a guys nuts into any good blowjob it can be a little daunting. Frankly, you’re pretty afraid to injure the guy.

  15. yeahbutnobutyeahbut permalink
    May 7, 2010 2:06 am

    Argh. So frustrating to read all these ‘no no’s’ for oral sex. So many of these so called big-oral-mistakes are things I love.

    Stubble and beards for one, is at the top of my enjoyable sensations during oral sex list.

    I really don’t like the aggressive tone and the seemingly absolute nature of her statements…

    It’s not educational, it’s a personal rant about what gets her off.

    Hmph.

  16. Kitty permalink
    June 22, 2010 4:59 am

    Agreed!

  17. why does this broad think she is so high in the peda stool permalink
    November 24, 2011 8:17 pm

    that was almost good, what a waste of time!!!!!

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