Come Number One
My friend Ni0 from Feminism – Art – Porn – Sex gave me permission to repost from her blog. I really like some of the things she’s written and I’m here to share some of them with you. At least the ones that apply to the themes of this blog. She’s also a pretty darn good artist so you should definitely check out her site and take a peak around. The aforementioned blog is rather new, but she also has a site that’s been up for a while and just as interesting. Take a look and with that I bring you her post “Come Number One.”
Hello The Internet! Today I want to discuss female orgasm.
I didn’t learn to orgasm until I was 22. For awhile, I felt embarrassed and stupid about that until I realised it is common for women. These days, I often have orgasms of the powerful, screaming, writhing and sometimes squirting sort (thankyou God, for inventing mattress protectors!). I doubt this is possible for everyone, but orgasms have made a welcome addition into my life.
I don’t claim to be an expert on the subject but I want to share some resources on female orgasm that I think look good, as well as my own personal experiences and observations. I’d also like to invite people to contribute to this post with their own experiences and resources – the more information available, the better, right?
Smart, educated women on female orgasm:
Dr Petra Boynton is a well informed sex educator who I dig. She made this blog entry where she gives a few pointers to women who are having trouble orgasming called No orgasms for me thanks, it’s really too difficult.
There really are a million books and articles available on the subject. Does anyone else know of any other good resources? Books? Tips? Share!
How I learned to orgasm:
I became sexually active at 16 with a steady boyfriend who treated me well. Though my family never really discussed specifics beyond the normal safe sex stuff, I’d had a reasonably open upbringing. So from the start, I had no major sexual hang ups and a reasonably explorative, shame free sex life.
However, I often felt frustrated because it felt like something was missing. Sex was a fun adventure but it always felt a little, well, anticlimactic. I wondered if I wasn’t coming. I wondered if I was broken. I could go on, but let’s skip to the time when I learned to come.
When I turned 22, I moved away from home to go to university. Suddenly I had the internet to myself. That’s a big deal. I met an awesome woman online and admitted to her that I’d never orgasmed. She gave me the best advice I ever received and yet it was so basic. I’m paraphrasing but here’s the gist;
“Start playing with your clitoris every chance you get, spend a lot of time on it, experiment with different ways of touching it. Some women like gentle strokes, some hard rubbing, some enjoy pulling back the hood and directly touching etc. Just be patient, find what works and most importantly… get a good quality vibrator.”
I didn’t buy a vibrator straight away but I started playing with my clitoris on and off. I’ve never had a super sensitive clit so mostly it was kind of “meh”. But I was determined to learn how to feel something, anything. Gradually, over time, I started to feel sensations that weren’t mind blowing but where something. Then one day about 4 months down the track, during a session with my partner where I was especially aroused, I came.
I used to get annoyed when I’d ask people “How do you know when you orgasm?” and they’d reply “You just know.” But… you DO just know. It’s as unmistakable as a sneeze and far more pleasurable. I was so amazed by the intensity of feeling and so happy to know I could feel it that I cried.
Still, it wasn’t a sure-fire thing and I was still often very frustrated, many evenings ended with a sore hand, sore clit and swear words.
Then I got some fucking sense and bought a decent vibrator ($100 shelled out, but totally worth it) and orgasm suddenly became something I could consistently achieve. I discovered I was able to send vibrations right down into the shaft and THAT was where the secret to my orgasms was. Not in visible tip I had always understood to be my clitoris but deeper down. D’oh!
Getting better all the time.
Even with a vibrator, for about a year it would still take 40 minutes to an hour for me to climax. But as time went by and I got more practiced, more sensitive, more accepting of myself, watched more porn… it got easier.
And better. Holy fucking shit. I didn’t know it could keep getting better but it does. It really fucking does. Who here has had orgasms so good they thought they’d die? I do! Woo! Me! High five!
Some final tips.
It’s actually still kind of embarrassing that I knew so little and took so long to learn to come but when the information isn’t readily available, when nobody talks about it … this is what happens. Here are some tips I wish someone had given me, say, 10 years ago…
Learn about your genitals, read about it, look at diagrams, get a mirror and check yourself out as your masturbate. Knowledge is power and you’ll be surprised by how much you might not know!
Don’t expect someone else to do it for you.
Surely we all know by now that intercourse doesn’t make most women come. Duh. But you know those “romantic music and oral sex” tips? That doesn’t work for everyone either and I felt bad for years that they didn’t work for me. Oral sex still doesn’t work for me, it’s fun but I don’t come and that’s ok.
In fact, it’s only very recently that anyone besides me has consistently been able to make me come, I had to get really good at it first before I could tell others how to.
Don’t be afraid of vibrators.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you if you can only come from the deep buzz of a powerful motor. Despite much practice with my hands, the only certainty for me is still my vibrators and you know what? There’s nothing wrong with that, nothing less “real”. An open-minded partner is happy to incorporate it into your sex life because they want you to enjoy yourself. If their ego can’t handle the fact that you need assistance to come, then they’re a whingy little tosspot. Sorry, it’s true.
Check your medication.
Since going off Prozac, I’ve found I can come a lot faster than I used to. Since going off the contraceptive pill, my libido is stronger. I’m not suggesting you go off your medication, I learned to come while I was still on mine, but it’s useful to be aware that they could possibly make things more difficult and you might just have to try a little harder.
Don’t give up before you really try!
Read about it, talk about it, practice every day but try not to stress about it (ok, easier said than done – I threw a lot of tantrums!) don’t be ashamed of your fantasies, don’t feel guilty if you need to take an hour to orgasm or have to use a jackhammer to do it.
There is a small chance that you’re someone who just can’t come and if you really think that’s you, see a doctor. But maybe you’re just one of us women who needs to work on it. A lot.
But don’t just take my word from it. I’m talking from my own tiny universe of experience. Every woman is unique and there is no “right” way to do this stuff… explore until you find what works for you.
Try to relax. Try!
It kind of sucks that if you really, really want to learn to orgasm then it might be harder because you’re pressuring yourself. This was possibly part of my problem, I was obsessed with learning to come and the stressed me out at times, but I think that obsession also helped me learn. So, er, I don’t know. Go to someone a little less batshit insane than I am for tips on this one! The Scarleteen blog entry I linked to gives some advice on that one.
Orgasms aren’t everything… but they’re sure as hell something!
Some people criticise the over-emphasis put on orgasm and to a degree that’s true – orgasm isn’t the be all and end all of sex. If you’re truly satisfied doing whatever you do, then that’s fine. Hell, there are some times when I don’t even feel the need or desire to come, I want to do other sexy fun things!
But most of the time I DO want to come. The build up just before an orgasm is awesome, the wave I ride during is fantastic and the feeling afterwards is something akin to basking in the sun with a giant fucking cocktail in my hand (heh heh).
Orgasm is healthy, orgasm is awesome. Perhaps orgasm should not be the ultimate goal of sex but it sure as hell is one of the most rewarding parts for me, perhaps because I had to work so hard to get where I am. It’s one giant fucking cherry on the top. Or two. Or ten.