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How Do You Fuck a Fat Woman? by Kate Harding

November 30, 2009

Kate Harding of Shapely Prose wrote an article for the book Yes Means Yes: Visions of Female Sexual Power and A World Without Rape called How Do You Fuck a Fat Woman? I highly recommend this book, not only does it address topics that everyone should be aware of, but it also does so in a way that is somehow uplifting as opposed to depressing; a feeling that is much too common when reading about rape, but for the sake of this post I will address Kate Harding’s particular contribution. 

The article begins:

You should consider yourself lucky that some man finds a hideous toll like yourself rape-able. 

THAT’S AN ACTUAL COMMENT left on the blog of a friend of mine, in response to a post she wrote about being raped and nearly killed. Every feminist blogger with more than four readers has dealt with comments along these lines. There are certain people who feel it’s their sacred duty to inform is, again and again, that rape is a compliment. (Or more precisely, “Rape is a compliment, you stupid whore.”)

The first time I read this, I was immediately struck by the truth behind her words as well as the deep seeded reaction that can only be described as: What the fuck is wrong with the world? Truth is there are a lot of things wrong with the world and somehow it never ceased to amaze how fucked up some thing are. You would think I’d be used to it by now. 

I’ve been pretty lucky so far, with this blog I mean, I haven’t had to moderate any comments and I haven’t received any negative feedback in my inbox. I’m thankful for that, but I am also very aware that this is not the norm. A fact that is made very clear in Harding’s article is that this type of harassment in the form of hate mail or hate comments is ten times worse for those of the female gender who happen to be fat. 

Another  example:

You fat whores would be lucky to even get raped by someone. I hope you whiny cunts find your way on top of a pinball machine in the near  future.

Whoever raped you could have just waited at the exit of a bar at 3am and gotten it consensually without the beached whale-like “struggle” you probably gave.

If any man would want to rape your gigantic ass, I’d be shocked. 

According to Harding the message is clear, “no one but a rapist would ever, ever want you” if you are fat. Sure, there’s a sub-culture of men who like big women, but they are treated as fetishists, and are in no way regarded as part of the norm, because who the hell in their right mind would love a fat woman, right? 

Need more proof?

I’m against rape. Unless it’s an obese women. How else are they going to get sweet, sweet cock?

I couldn’t even make that shit up if I tried. The really sad part, is that a fat woman is then made to believe that she is so unattractive that rape is pretty much the only sex she can hope for. The same goes for women who believe themselves to be completely unattractive. How many abusive relationships out there are built around the idea that “nobody else will ever love me and this is the best I could possibly hope for”? One is too many. 

This problem goes deep, and taints the lives of so many women. Being a teenager or being in your early twenties is a vulnerable enough age, but when you compound that with “no one wants to fuck a fatty” it tends to twist your expectations and it is so de-valuing that at some point any type of sexual attention seems acceptable. 

A friend of mine the other day was talking about a girl he likes and he said: “a girl like that gets to choose”. I know he wasn’t talking about the same thing as I am here, but it’s true nonetheless that if you’re not “a girl like that” society tends to want to take away your choices.

What do you do?

When you’re a fat woman in this culture, everyone – from journalists you’ll never meet to your own mother, sister, and best friend – works together to constantly reinforce the message that you are not good enough to be fucked, let alone loved. You’d be so pretty if you just lost weight. You’d feel so much better about yourself if you just lost weight. You’d have boys beating down your door of you just lost weight. 

You’d be lucky to be raped, you fat cunt.

That’s just the way it is, baby. Fat chicks are gross. Accept it. 

So what do you do when this is what the world is telling you? Kate Harding leaves you with two choices, either you lose weight or you accept yourself and tell the world to fuck off. Neither road is easy, but only one leads to self-acceptance, “real-ownership of your body, to real strength and confidence.” 

I believe in Harding’s description of a world where “fat women don’t automatically disqualify themselves from the dating game. A world in which fat women don’t believe there’s anything intrinsically wrong with their bodies”, because:

Now try imagining some halfwit dickhead telling you a rapist would be doing you a favor, in that world. Imagine a man poking you in the stomach and telling you you need to work out more, moments after he comes inside of you. […] Imagine a man telling you that you can’t leave him, because no one else will ever want your disgusting fat ass. 

None of it makes a lick of sense in that world, does it?

It doesn’t in this one either. 

Imagine if more of us believed that. 


10 Comments leave one →
  1. December 1, 2009 9:46 am

    Hi Olga, I’m a long time lurker.
    Rape is so wrong no matter who, no matter when, no matter why. As for FFF, full figured females, a lot of guys do go for larger women. My ex brother in law married a gal over twice his size, and is absolutely mad about her beauty. My step son is also married to a big woman, and when he and I drive by a park, he looks more at those gals many men would be turned off by.
    The guys who like big women are out there, but they often fall prey to preasure from fiends who tell them the ugly stories.
    Beauty comes from within.

  2. December 1, 2009 5:23 pm

    Welcome Jeremy. Thanks for your input. There are a lot of people who once they grow up realize that what they have been taught to find attractive in another doesn’t necessarily fit with what they actually like. It’s nice to see when that happens.

  3. December 2, 2009 5:02 pm

    People are fucked. And it’s depressing. Just have to say, though, I think big girls are hot. I love curves.

    I really can’t be articulate enough to add more. People are depressing.

  4. December 3, 2009 3:30 am

    Yup, it’s kind of a sad world we live in where people would write such downright cruel things about another person, let alone think it’s alright.

  5. blackdove permalink
    December 3, 2009 6:40 pm

    This is so terrible. I can’t even conceive of someone thinking this way.

    I added your blog to my blogroll, by the way, love your writing! I came across you on sex body gender and kept finding your posts to be the ones that caught my attention, so. . .

    Yeah. 🙂

  6. daveoh permalink
    December 3, 2009 10:16 pm

    There is a Canadian journalist who regularly receives emails reminding her how ugly she is. So it is no surprise that the revolting emails you mention above regularly find their place in peoples’ (usually some woman’s) inbox.

    The internet and its anonymity allow brainless idiots to spout their stupidity. That is why we have a “delete” button!

    As for larger women, I fear that some of the most harsh judges of their size are, in fact, other women. I know a lot of men who prefer a curvy lady- myself included. My wife and I sat at the beach one day and she pointed out women whom she thought I found attractive. None of them were skinny- and she was right on every count!

    I once met a woman quite a few years ago (when I was younger and more into appearances) who was far from skinny- she was, well, quite chubby. But there was something about her that I found incredibly attractive and sexy. It was the way she carried herself- her self-confidence, her spirit, her personality. She was, to me, exceptionally beautiful. Perhaps it was the fact that I was becoming more mature and secure in myself that I found her that way.

  7. Brad Taylor permalink
    December 9, 2009 8:03 am

    As a sixty year old white male who has always had an above average appearance, I have developed some insight into the area of sexual attraction. The advertising world has created stereotypes about what is and is not desireable. The movies and TV exploit these images for profit and because we learn primarily through visual images, we are brainwashed from a young age about what we should want. When I was in my twenties and thirties, I had my choice of women because I had looks and a good income. Over time, I realized that no matter how hot some woman looked, if she was not intelligent, it was not worth it. Sexy is in the brain. Nothing compares to an uninhibited, self confident, woman. Women must also understand that men are driven by their hormones and are visual creatures. Never assume we are being rational when it comes to sex.

  8. December 16, 2009 2:19 pm

    Attraction often comes out through a persons personality or the way that they carry themselves. Confidence has a lot to do with it. Certainly, some women tend to be more vocally critical of other women’s looks, but I don’t think that “body image” problems in our society can be easily divided among gender. I don’t like assigning blame to any particular group of people, because all of society definitely has a role to play. I find it sad though, when people can’t seem to transcend typical ideas of what is beautiful. Well, what I really mean by that, is that at some point it’s difficult to tell the difference between what has been ingrained in us socially and what we naturally come to like. It’s good to hear feedback from people that have a variety of likes and dislikes.

  9. December 16, 2009 2:46 pm

    Neither men nor women are rational when it comes to sex (or anything else that produces strong feelings and emotions)…How could we be? It goes against the entire concept of letting go and sex is definitely one area where you want to let go. It’s interesting to come to these realizations though when you “grow up”. Attraction is definitely something that changes and molds itself with time. I suppose looks are enough for some people, but others (like yourself, and any well turned out person I think) needs more to build any kind of relationship with. I know that I couldn’t be attracted to someone with whom I couldn’t even carry on a conversation with. Attraction is so fascinating, it changes so much from person to person and even within ones self from time to time that it brings up so many interesting ideas. It includes so many factors, like most things in life, and it’s so complex yet so simple that there is no need for an explanation that I find it all quite marvelous.

  10. December 16, 2009 3:05 pm

    Yay, thanks! I added yours too.

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