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Women Who Can’t Take No For An Answer

October 5, 2009

Women are told that men want sex and that they want it all the time. We’re taught from an early age that if you offer sex to a man he will ALWAYS say yes. It doesn’t matter when, where, how or with whom, if you’re a moderately attractive girl you assume that any proposition you put out there will receive an unequivocal YES, but that isn’t always the case, now is it?

When we’re turned down for sex, it hurts, because we’ve just offered up the one thing we were told no guy would ever say no to. Hell, half the time, we’re the ones that have to turn people down and guys don’t seem to take it so personally and if they do, damn they better watch out because there’s nothing less attractive than a pushy guy trying to get down your pants after you’ve given him the brush off. That’s when it gets serious, right? If a guy can’t take no for an answer it very rapidly crosses the line into sexual harassment. No means no, and there’s no doubt about it, but tell me ladies, how many times have you used whatever means of persuasion you have at your disposal to seduce a man who has shown that he just doesn’t want to go there?

Maybe he’s already in a committed relationship or maybe he’s your boyfriend, but you guys just had a fight or he’s tired. Maybe, you’ve already gone down that road and one of you always gets hurt. The reason doesn’t really matter, but what matters is that we don’t like being said “No” to, and when it happens, if we sense the slightest weakness or hesitation in your “No” we’ll go in for the attack and make it impossible for you to say continue saying “No”. Don’t deny it, we’ve all used sex as a tool, we’ve all seduced our way into some guys pants. 

Just last night, I was on the phone with my ex and I started making suggestive sounds, sounds that I know he likes and when he told me to stop it, that he didn’t want to go there, I didn’t listen. Instead of paying attention to his needs, I played on his weakness and desire to satisfy my own. Trust me, it’s not like he complained afterwards, but it got me thinking about all the times women (myself included) have used seduction to weaken a man’s resolve so that they could get what they wanted without suffering rejection. 

If men did half the things we do to persuade them to have sex with us, we would bring down some holy hellfire on them. Seriously, how pissed would you be if your partner didn’t respect your wish to not have sex one night, because you were dead tired? I would most certainly tell him to fuck off (that is, if he persisted) or at the very least to leave me alone and go fuck himself. The last time my ex was too tired to have sex, I persisted until his dick was in my mouth and he just couldn’t say no anymore. Ok, so my efforts led to some pretty fabulous middle of the night sex, but it just struck me that that kind of behavior suggests that women don’t have to respect “no means no” when it comes from a man, because men don’t say no to sex, do they?

At least, that’s the persisting myth and it’s a shitty one at that. As a consequence women use sex as a tool, to be “sexy” is to be “empowered”. Bullshit, I say. Sex isn’t a commodity for us to offer and for other’s to take. Offering sex to a man isn’t the ultimate product that will bring him to his knees and enthrall him to your power every single damn time you wish it. To buy into that, not only contributes to a commodity model of sex, but it can be quite damaging to your ego when you do stumble upon that first guy who says “No”. 

When I was sixteen, my uncle had just died and I was feeling kinda blue and I might have been a little tipsy to boot, so when I asked this guy I barely knew to drive me home, my intent was quite clear: I had sex on my mind. When he parked his car in front of my Mom’s house, I proceeded to seduce him with all my clumsy sixteen-year-old-feminine-wiles and somewhere in the middle of us making out and me straddling him over the driver’s seat, he stopped us short and told me he had to get back to the bar, because he was his friends ride home. He proposed that we should hang out again, but I couldn’t believe he was rejecting me and that is exactly how it felt, so I gave him the following ultimatum: “Now or never!” To my great dismay, he choose never. Maybe he just wasn’t that into me, or maybe I was being way too cocky and pushy, but that “No” surprised the hell out of me and shook up all preconceptions I had about guys and sex.

I didn’t exactly stop using my powers of seduction to get what I want, but it did give me pause and certainly has given me something to think about a little over a decade after the fact. I guess my point is that there is a fine line between seduction and just plain ol’ not respecting someone else’s decision or choice. That will certainly be something I will think about the next time someone says “No” to me. 

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