From Sad, To Angry, & Back Again

I should be in therapy right now, but my shrink canceled our appointment, because of bad weather. It’s okay, don’t worry, the couple inches of snow will keep me alive and well until Monday. Sure, no problem.

I’m a strong believer in therapy, I think it can be really helpful to some people, but to be honest, I’m really bad at it. I constantly don’t show-up for appointments without calling first and then I wait a month to schedule another one, which is exactly why I’m in this mess right now.

I didn’t go to my last therapy appointment, which was right before the Holidays and then I waited a month, until I was in true crisis mode, to call and schedule another appointment. Of course, she was booked up all week and the fact that I was feeling near some sort of edge didn’t change the fact that she couldn’t see me right away.

If I was in her office right now, I would tell her how I’ve spent part of the week going from hopelessly sad, to angry, and back again. Maybe you’re all sick of hearing about it, god knows I’m sick of saying it… but I would like to add a few things to So My Ex Is Dating Someone New; a post I wrote earlier this week.

It took me a while, but I got angry. Angry, because he didn’t tell me about it sooner. You see, he told me earlier this week, the first I’ve heard of any of this, that they officially became a couple sometime between Christmas and New Years. At first, I felt like a fool, because our “friendship,” which is more than that and less all at the same time means that we communicate with each other in ways that go beyond what you would do with just a regular friend.

For instance, on January 2nd, I sent him some pictures of myself and various X-Mas stuff, to which he responded with something along the lines of “you have lips from heaven” among other things. Then on January 12th he sent me the following email (redacted):

Been thinking about you a lot, how you take good care of yourself and how you always are into cool shit. I think it’s rad that you are a writer who gets paid for writing and I really liked my Christmas card alot! Also I think the last time I really laughed hard was with you on the phone. I think you might be the person who understands me the most out of anyone and that’s pretty fucking cool, also still loving my raven skull necklace.

I miss you Olga!

Lotsa love,

Like I said, at first I felt like a fool, but now I’m angry. I’m not angry that he would say these things to me while he was dating someone else (although that brings up completely different issues), I’m angry that he said these things to me without telling me that he was dating someone else. Am I wrong in feeling that way or what?

I’m probably won’t tell him (he never reads this blog so no worries there), because on the surface we’ve resolved our issue, right? And this is all in the past or whatever that means, but I wanted to tell someone and since my therapist isn’t in at the moment, I thought you guys wouldn’t mind lending an ear.

P.S. I know a lot of you will want to tell me to get the fuck away from this person, but that’s not the answer for me. What I want is to figure out to be okay with it all, without cutting anyone out of my life. Maybe that’s just crazy, but I’m willing to try and see. One thing I know, is that I have to stop giving so much of myself to him, because that’s certainly not doing me any good.

Friday Link Round-Up

 

Some of these links are old news, because I’ve been bookmarking them and then never doing anything about it, but if you’ve missed any of these stories, now is a good time to catch up.

Helen Mirren Will Own Your Interview by Nora’s Necessities: I really love watching this old footage of a young Helen Mirren giving an interview in 1975 to a dude who is pretty much obsessed with her boobs. Not only is Helen Mirren one kickass lady, but she’s smart as a whip. After you watch this interview, you should check out this video, which is an interview she gave with the same dude almost thirty years later. The contrast and similarities really made me think.

Margaret Cho Rightfully Looses Her Shit by Margaret Cho: Margaret Cho got a fabulous tattoo on her ass, took a picture, posted it on twitter, and a shit storm erupted. Some shithead(s) thought it was appropriate to fat-shame her. Her response was dead-on and straight to the point. Definitely worth a read.

You Should Fear The Barbie Crotch by Jess Zimmerman: A plastic camel-toe crotch shield. It’s a thing. It exists. Read all about it.

Some Fascinating Argentinean LGBT Rights PSAs by Thomas Roche: “The PSA is part of a campaign to support Argentina’s Transgender Identity Law, currently being considered by the Argentinian Senate. The bill is meant, among other things, to make it easier to change the gender on one’s ID without proof of gender reassignment surgery. The gorgeous PSA was produced by a federation of Argentinian LGBT rights organizations.”

He Wants to Jizz on Your Face, But Not Why Your Think by Hugo Schwyzer: An interesting alternative to the whole “he wants to jizz on your face to demean you and take a position of power” rhetoric.

‘They’ is me by Ivan Coyote: A response to Xtra!’s decision to not use people’s preferred pronoun; an important issue in gender rights and identity.

One Teacher’s Approach to Preventing Gender Bullying in a Classroom – It’s Okay to be Neither by Melissa Bollow Temple: I think it’s important for schools to support gender variant  children and to teach their teachers who to deal with gender bullying. Here’s a great example on how one teacher works to achieve that.

I’m The ‘Scary’ Model In That Awful Ashley Madison Ad   by Jacqueline: In case you didn’t know Ashley Madison is a dating website for people looking to step-out on their husbands/wives… the dating site used the image of an overweight woman in an ad that was pretty exploitative. Click the link to read more about it.

For The Record, Fat Women Totally Get Laid Too by Emily McCombs: This is a response to the ad mentioned in the above article and it’s a good one too. For the record, Emily McCombs is my new online obsession. Love. her.

Do This Don’t: Slutty Halloween Costume by Emily McCombs: Ya, ya, Halloween was months ago, I know. Whatever. I liked this article because it actually changed my mind about something and how often does that happen? I used to look down on women who would wear those ridiculous sexy Halloween costumes, and although I still prefer a costume with a little imagination put behind it… I was participating in slut-shaming with my better than you attitude. As Emily puts it: “Those out there casually bitching about “slutty costumes” on Halloween should stop and have a long think about just what’s wrong with dressing “slutty,” or acting “slutty” for that matter. And maybe explain just what wearing revealing clothing has to do with promiscuity anyway? I could dress up like a cheerleader every day of the year, but that doesn’t mean I’m letting you go deep in my tight end. (Those are words that I think are related to football.)” I though about it Emily, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with it.

Have a wild weekend, y’all, or not, whatever you do there’s definitely some reading up in here to keep you occupied during those down times!

Some House Keeping, Sort Of

I’d like to say something about why I disappear from Cuntlove once in a while. There are a few reasons why I go through periods of not posting as much. For one, I’ve been doing freelance blogging for two different adult industry blogs for the last year or so, and it’s sometimes difficult to write about sex positive issues after writing about sex all day, which brings me to my second reason.

Sometimes, I don’t feel like writing about anything that pertains to Cuntlove’s theme(s). When I first started this blog, I wanted it to fit into a particular niche… I wanted it to be all sex positive, educational, feminist, and let’s all love ourselves, etc, etc, and while all those things are still important to me, I sometimes feel like I’ve written myself into a box.

I’ve won a couple blogging awards of the sexiest blog type, and I feel that if I don’t keep writing about sex I’ll somehow be disappointing people. When I first started reading about blogging, I read a couple of articles that said it was important to pick a niche and to stick with it, so as to not alienate your readers.

It’s good advice, it makes sense. The people who come here to read posts about female ejaculation might not like reading about that time I felt sad because my ex is dating someone new, and the people who like my more personal posts might get annoyed when I write about pornstar Bobbi Starr and her pubes.

The thing is, I can’t make everyone happy. I can only write what I feel like writing about at the time.

In the beginning, writing Cuntlove was freeing, because I didn’t have a sense of what people expected from me as a writer, as a blogger, I could do anything. Now, I think about “oh no, what if my aunt reads this” or “what if this post falls below expectations.”

It’s enough of that, I say. No more second guessing. I can only be myself! It’s the best any of use can do. Sure, I’m insecure sometimes, but I’m willing to put it all out there, to put myself on the line for better or worse. Balls out so to speak. No more house limit.

Let’s Make This Happen!

I Feel Vulnerable Being Demanding

Being demanding within the context of a romantic relationship makes me feel vulnerable. There are different kinds of vulnerability or at least different circumstances that elicit vulnerability. You can feel vulnerable when it comes to expressing feelings of love to someone for the first time, because… well… there’s always the possibility of being rejected. And in a way being demanding in regards to having my needs meet in a romantic relationship makes me feel vulnerable in that same kind of way.

I’m afraid of being rejected if I express a demand that is based in feeling. I’m afraid of falling into certain stereotypical categories of women… The jealous kind, or the needy kind, or the bitchy kind.

I’ve received a few interesting comments to the posts I’ve published over the last couple days: So My Ex is Dating Someone New and I’m Not That Kind of Girl, or Am I?, to which I would like to respond to in this context.

Ladyyaga said: I guess I what I would question is, why do you think you can’t be demanding? I’m not talking about bitchy, or selfish. But is it really selfish to ask for the things you need? Why must you be “subtle”? I think there’s an assumption deep in there somewhere that your needs are not going to be met and that there’s something very unacceptable about looking out for yourself first.

There is definitely an assumption that my needs are not going to be met, not only that, but that I will be rejected, because there’s this ingrained idea in me that to be demanding is to cause conflict, and when there’s conflict in a relationship, I always feel like if I’m not the one to keep the peace no one else will make the effort.

Obviously, I need to focus on certain personal issues. To put it simply, I need to focus on my self-esteem, confidence, and taking care of myself.

Putting that aside for a moment and getting back to the topic of vulnerability, it’s hard for me to be vulnerable, I present with a hard exterior sometimes, but a lot of that was built on the fear of being vulnerable, of being hurt,  but despite my fear of vulnerability, I think there’s power in it. Immense power. It’s the only way to be open to what the world, and the people in it have to offer.

Fruit Taster said: I second ladyyaga. What’s wrong with being demanding? I for one am a demanding person. I’m demanding with myself first—I give of myself to others without counting—and I feel that this entitles me to be demanding with others. It’s not about being bitchy or bossy, it’s really just about setting your level of expectation. This is acceptable for me, this is not.

The hard part is when you reset your expectations and you have to renegotiate the dynamics of a relationship based on your new expectations. It’s hard because the other person will resist that. Of course they would prefer you don’t raise your expectations. But in the end, if someone is able to step up to the plate, that’s usually a sign they are a keeper [...]

You have to have a way to sift through what you will accept in your life. If you sift too permissively, then you’re erasing yourself in the favor of others. I wonder if this is what’s happening with you and your ex?

Fruit Taster is right, there’s nothing wrong with being demanding, with yourself and others. There’s definitely nothing wrong about setting your level of expectations and determining what is acceptable for you and what’s not. I suppose to trick is, that you really have to determine what those expectations are, what’s acceptable and what’s not, because if you head into anything without knowing at least that, you risk letting people walk all over you and that’s never good.

What’s hard though, as Fruit Taster pointed out, is changing the dynamic of an already established relationship once you do figure those things out. When a relationship has (with your parents, friends, lovers, etc) had the same dynamic for years and years it’s hard to change. After all, you can’t really change how another person behaves, you can only change yourself… I suppose it’s important to leave space and time for the transition to take place, and there’s no guarantee that all those people will stick around for this new more assertive you, but I guess the important part is knowing who you are, what you deserve, and to be true to that.

As for the last thing that Fruit Taster said: “You have to have a way to sift through what you will accept in your life. If you sift too permissively, then you’re erasing yourself in the favor of others.” I would have to say that in trying to be an understanding and accepting person, I sometimes forget to pay attention to my needs. In the aftermath of the relationship I spoke about in my earlier post, I definitely felt myself being erased in favor of the other. Something I let happen on my own, in some deep need to be loved, but as the saying goes you can’t really love someone or be loved when you don’t love yourself. Putting yourself first in that context is never selfish.